Am I preparing to die?

In the last month, particularly, I have been coming to a place of peace and clam about my life. As I was walking through the stacks on the 2nd floor of the library, I felt a slight tug in the muscle of my chest. Nothing more than a muscle contraction, I told myself without any real concern. Then I said silently, “Am I preparing to die?”

Is my mind intentionally, with some cosmic awareness of my body, connecting to a soothing mental state? I really think not, but the thought did occur.

Many more years, even decades, are ahead of me (I hope). Often, I visualize myself at 85 engaged in some manner of work that I enjoy. It’s this period now in my life, in my 50s, which forms the foundation for my old age just as my youth prepared me for now. Events are happening in my life that are forcing me to face unpleasant realities. Out of this seemingly chaotic experience, I’m finding tremendous solace in a “radical acceptance” of the present. All the while, I’m recognizing that I must act on my ideas and create the future that I want, even if that future is only a few more hours in this world, a few more days, or (as I desire) a few more decades.

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